That Sinking Feeling

My knees where shaking. My heart was pounding. I was thrilled, and terrified at the same time. I was terrilled.

I walked into the band room, clarinet in one arm, music folder in the other. I took my seat at the back row where I had been assigned and unfolded my name tag and popped it on the back of my stand.

The band director was assigning chairs today.

Oh, anybody who knows me knows I have a secret passion of becoming first chair clarinet in my school's band. I want to be the best, because that's the sort of messed-up person that I am.

"Alright everyone!" The director called when the bell rang. It was first period, and all the other sections were silent. "Let's get started on Windsor Overture."

I couldn't have been more let down. I wanted to know, and I wanted to know NOW.

After we rehearsed our songs, the band director brought everyone to a silence.

"Okay, everybody." He said. "Right now, we're going to change seats."

I shook with excitement. I gathered up my things and waited for him to announce the clarinets.

He called all of us clarinets down to the front of the classroom. I took a deep breath and walked down to the front.

He called in order of chairs.

"Hannah, Natalie, Aysha, Erin." He pointed to the four seats in the front row.

My heart sank to the bottom of my chest. FOURTH chair?!? This was a total rip-off! I did SO much better then Hannah did! But there was nothing I could do about it.

The other seat assignments were a blur to me. The tears brimmed in my eyes as I unloaded my folder and put my name tag on our new stand.

My heart was heavy as a rock as I played our songs. I slumped to my locker and I tried to avoid all eye-contact with my best friend, Gillian, who had earned the title of second chair flute, thank you very much.

"Erin, what's wrong?" Gillian asked me.
"Nothing, just leave me alone." I mumbled, and I headed to my locker as quick as my lead-like feet could carry me.

Sam and Jenna, who's lockers were right near mine, questioned my strange behavior, and so did my other friend, Jacie. Sam had chosen fine art over band, and she always wanted to know what was going on in band. I felt like she had disgraced me for her false-love of the clarinet, and so I hardly ever gave her a thorough description of what had happened. Somedays I had half a mind to say "You chose art over band, so why do you care?"

I walked home from the bus stop that day, and folded my hands and put my face in my palms. I wasn't in the mood to do my math homework.

That night, I told my mom about my band woes.

"Fourth chair? Out of how many clarinets?" She had asked me.
"Twelve." I responded.
"Erin, that's fabulous!" She said, overjoyed.
"No it's not!'' I replied, angrily. "It sucks! I wanted to be first and I got fourth! I HATE my position!" I wailed.
"If you want to be better, then you have to practice! You have to GET better!"

She told my dad later that night, and he said the same thing.

I wanted to be first. I want to be the BEST.

I can't help but envy that Hannah chick with all my heart. I loathe her like Galinda loathes Elphaba, like Harry loathes Draco, like Nathan Detroit loathes Big Jule. She's the teacher's pet in EVERY class. I hate her and I just want to stuff my fist up her nose. First chair Hannah my foot.

Hate, hate, HATE

~Erin~

Upside-Down-ed-Ness

Everything is.......changing.

And it's kind of...weird.

This weekend I went to visit my friend in New York state. I remember the last time I saw her. She was always hungry. She loved meat and she was silly about....everything.

And now she's vegan.
And now she's more serious.
And it SUCKS.

And another one of her friends came with us. I remember her being just like my New York friend.

And she's on a diet. A special one. [Not anything like Jenny Craig. I can't say what it is]

I feel like I was the left out one. They both go to rich kid schools and I go to some public school.. and they're both on diets and I really don't give a crap about what I eat as long as it tastes good.

And they're both older then me. The NY friend turned thirteen today and the other one turns 13 in February....and I'm barely 12. I feel so....small and insignificant and worthless when I'm around them.

And they're listening to rap sh*t and modern music and I'm listening to.........The Beatles.

And it's embarassing.

My best friend in the whole widestest world got her texting cut off and I haven't figured out why yet.
My 2 other friends are in volleyball. [and that's all they ever talk about]
The school jerk is being kinder to me.
I've got almost no classes with Josh.
My dolls have been in the same outfits since out L'Atelier de Sitara clothes arrived.


Gaahhhhh.


Screw change.